Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Invidia!

This cartoon is my favorite item from the Planeta Moldova website, a collection of satirical, mainly self-deprecating, humor put together by some merry Moldovans.



The plot of this story-in-song is that people from all around the world are seized with envy about not being Moldovans. Then, they all deal with their envy by traveling to Moldova in a rocketship. Really.

Luckily, someone else has already gone to the trouble of translating some of the lyrics of the catchy song, along with the soundtracks from some of the other Planeta Moldova videos. The premise - universal envy at not being Moldovan - seems unlikely, unless (or maybe especially if) you've ever spent any time there. The country has some amazingly beautiful places - see photo below - very warm people, and a pleasantly laid-back pace (see here for my take about it from a couple of years ago).


Near Soroca, Moldova, Aug. 4, 2006.

But of course my own "invidia" may be based on the fact that, while I've been there once every year going back to 1999, when I spent the whole summer there, I've only ever visited in the summer, which I've been told is much more pleasant than the winter.

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Polonium makes "Law & Order: Criminal Intent"

The writers for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" must have been reading about Litvinenko a lot last fall. Tonight's episode had an American journalist - Josh - who is suffering from "polonium-210 poisoning." According to him, at least at first, it's due to a story he's writing on an Afghan oil pipeline, which involves "billions of dollars," and, naturally, the "Russian mafia."

Josh became poisoned after dining with one Rebecca, another journo and sometime lover of his who he first met in Chechnya (and with whom he took tea with Gorbachev), and who turns out to have been the actual target. Josh guessed one of her email passwords because it was a Chechen word. But it turns out Rebecca was actually doing a story that didn't involve Russia at all, but was an intricate yarn about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, involving spies and martyrs.

Also involved for a bit: a guy named Yuri - one of Josh's sources - with a fake story about being an ex-KGB agent, a bad fake Russian accent and a big fur hat.

At one point Yuri says, about the fake story he was concocting for Josh, "I translated articles from Russian papers. Blogs! Everything I gave him I took of the web."

Another bit of dialogue from later in the episode: "There were two businessmen in Germany. Said they were Russians. But these days, who knows?"

Who knows, indeed...

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Monday, February 26, 2007

"What Will Russia Resemble after Putin?"

Interesting discussion over at cfr.org between Nikolas Gvosdev and Sarah Mendelson. In addition to the prospects for Putin and his current team, they also debate whether Russia should be - or can be - an American partner while being increasingly authoritarian in its domestic policies. And naturally the broader IR question of whether the US should be concerned at all with other countries' domestic policies, versus just concerning ourselves with their foreign policies, comes up. Representative excerpts below, but the whole discussion is worth reading (from the bottom up, blog-style).

Gvosdev: [...] Would a more democratic Russia—and here I mean not staffed by persons labeling themselves as "democrats," but a government more democratically accountable to the people—be more inclined to accommodate U.S. preferences? Agree to implement punitive sanctions against Iran? Restructure its energy industry to meet our needs? And the list goes on. [...]

Mendelson: [...] We do agree, it seems, on the chances of the post-Putin regime hanging on. That is, at least for a while. I don't expect much change in 2008. My eye is on 2012 and beyond. Here's why: A group of Kremlin insiders may get greasy, gassy, and oily living off the natural resources generously spilling forth from the ground, and the standard of living may generally improve for all, but institutional decline and dysfunction cannot be ignored indefinitely. Unless there is significant change in how the Kremlin governs, and much more investment in major public institutions, this type of regime is ultimately doomed. [...]

Gvosdev: [...] In the end, the question we need to ask is not whether the Russia that has emerged is a Russia we like—it isn’t; but whether it is a Russia we can do business with—and more importantly, whether or not the United States can achieve some of its most pressing objectives without Russian help. [...]

Mendelson: [...] In Russia today, we find none of Franklin D. Roosevelt's "four freedoms." The Western press has focused a great deal on threats to the press and journalists in Russia, and on occasion, threats to freedom of religion. Much less observed are how Russians live in fear and how want still plagues many.

Putin's Russia should not be confused with order or stability. What do I mean by this? In one survey I coauthored with Ted Gerber of the University of Wisconsin, we found 41 percent of respondents fear arbitrary arrest by the police. In many parts of the North Caucasus, the region with the largest youth population in Russia, we have seen an enormous jump in terrorist incidents since Putin has come to power. There are many other examples of lack of order and instability. Corruption is simply an everyday part of life. [...]

To sum up, Nick and I do not disagree on the diagnosis; we both characterize Putin's Russia as an authoritarian state. The difference is whether and how it matters. I believe Russia's current and near-term state bode badly for U.S.-Russia relations, and that most if not all of the twenty-first century issues we face become greatly complicated by an insular, opaque, authoritarian government. I am concerned that the government in power in Russia is neither interested in nor capable of dealing with serious internal threats, as well as the transnational ones we all face. The health crises and the endemic and growing corruption are all our problems. The lack of response by the United States and Europe, read by some as an acceptance of authoritarianism in exchange for strategic cooperation, may inadvertently fuel more extremism (and terrorism) as well as encourage aggressive regional policies in Eurasia. Let's not call independent states that border Russia the "near abroad" unless absorption is something that one is advocating. [...]

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Dogs of war?

On the way to the Tbilisi airport, just before 6am, Aug. 15, 2006.

I only had the chance to spend a couple of days in Tbilisi last summer (my first, and so far only, trip to Georgia), but the impressions, sulphur baths, and khachapuri made it well worth the trip. On the way into the city, I saw this sign, an example of US-Georgian official love, and resolved to make sure to get a picture of it on the way back to the airport. So I asked my cabbie to stop for a minute, and to my good fortune one of Tbilisi's strays strayed into the shot. Although the photo is certainly not visually stunning in any way, I couldn't have planned the dog's presence any better if I had tried.

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"Russia needs rebranding" - old news?

RFE/RL and Jamestown both have recent stories about Russia's image-polishing efforts. The "enfant terrible" of Russia-watching bloggers predictably cries "outrage," but this is actually old - if admittedly still interesting - news. There are lots of countries that use the media to try to tweak their image. Recall the long-running ad campaign for Dubai, for example. And plenty of them have state-run media which As long as "Russia Today" TV is viewed for what its funders basically admit they intend it to be - a 24-hour infomercial for Russia - it will never have any traction. Deeds, not "image-making," are needed to change Russia's image for the better.

"Russia Today" might build up journalistic credibility over the course of years, but probably not with the current approach, and I doubt it will ever reach the level of the BBC or Deutsche Welle. And it's worth keeping in mind that, per the point of view in the Kremlin, RFE/RL itself, and certainly Jamestown's various newsletters, are also "state-run" media with a distinctively, um, not pro-Russian viewpoint. I don't agree with the opinion held by Putin and his entourage that NGOs always parrot the views of their funders, but I don't think it's completely unfounded, either.

The people who should really be outraged about the "Russia Today" money pit and other elements of this strategy are the Russian taxpayers, whose money is being spent on ineffective programs - but I guess the sources of much or most of the government's revenue today are probably several oil & gas companies, and they're not likely to complain. Anyway, to get to the self-congratulatory point of this post, we had something on this a long time ago, although admittedly there are new elements to the story to be seen in the above-linked RFE/RL and Jamestown stories.

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"For lust of knowing what should not be known"

Memories from my trip to Samarkand in late July 2005. The first one was taken on July 23; the rest on July 24. As you can see, some of the more photogenic things turned out to be Soviet-era cars. I decided not to include any classic tourist photos, although of course the city's architectural marvels are quite photogenic as well. A highly recommended destination - lots of inexpensive B&B's. These people can hook it all up for you.

The sign says, "Uzbekistan - a country with a great future" - I. Karimov

An old "humpbacked" Zaporozhets.

A mint-condition "kopeika" (VAZ 2101) in one of the factory colors.

Transporting something - bread, I presume.
The pipes in the background are above-ground
gas lines - common in the post-Soviet space.


A later and lest aesthetically successful version of the Zaporozhets.

Vegetable oil, which I believe is cottonseed oil - and little else - in this aisle of the
local market. Note the reused packaging - Coke, Fanta and mineral water bottles


More reliable than a Zaporozhets.

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VVP - Academy Awards Edition

For all you Oscar lovers out there, I had hoped to translate Maxim Kononenko's Academy-Awards-themed VVP story from last month. Didn't have time, unfortunately. Follow the link for the original story, in Russian.

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Jackson-Vanik - the wrong impression?

Getting rid of this relic is a good thing that has been a long time coming. But I can't help but wonder whether some in Moscow might get the impression that it constitutes a successful outcome of Putin's Munich speech. And perhaps it does.

End of Jackson-Vanik Forecast
bne
Monday, February 26, 2007

America promised to lift the Jackson-Vanik trade provision from Russia last week that would lift the last of the Cold War trade restrictions on bilateral trade with Russia.

The provision was an amendment to the 1974 Trade Act, which banned the Soviet Union from preferential trade status with America, a sought after status that comes with significant duty savings. The existence of the provision 16 years after the fall of the Soviet Union has remained a thorn in the side of US-Russia relations ever since.

Democrat Tom Lantos made the comments at the end of last week just as relations between Moscow and Washington took a nose dive after President Vladimir Putin lambasted America in a speech in Germany.

They also coincide with National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley's visited Moscow last week on a fence fixing mission.

"I will spare no effort to bring this about, and I have every expectation that I will be successful," Lantos said, who has been campaigning to have Russia removed from the G8

More on the story here.

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Another version of Putin's plans...

This possibility has certainly been raised before, but perhaps not so directly:

Putin post election job - Probable Leader for United Russia
bne
Monday, February 26, 2007

Speculation continues to swirl over what job President Vladimir Putin will take after stepping down next March. The leading of the Kremlin's party of power, United Russia, suggested Putin would take over as the parties leader in 2008.

United Russia leader Boris Gryzlov floated the idea in a radio address on local radio in Murmansk last week, but stressed he had not discussed the issue with Putin himself.

This option must have a lot of appeal for Putin. Clearly the amount of power concentrated in the president's hands is dangerous and open for abuse. A gradual shift towards a more balanced system of parliamentary democracy would leave the president in a position to push through difficult reforms, but also curb the president's power and would play very well in the west.

However, to be effective this option would require changes to the constitution after Putin has already given up his power and would have to rely on his successor to champion the cause.

There is a chance that Putin will float the idea of weakening the president's power in the run up to the March 2008 vote, but they do not seem to be big at this point. Most analysts agree that Russia is headed for a system similar to those of Japan or Mexico where Putin will head an informal but extremely powerful cabal that holds the real reigns of power.

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Update

The Steven Lee Myers article that partially inspired my "Who Lost Russia?" ramblings is available - with a great photo - at the IHT website, and also at the NYT Magazine website. This week's NYT mag also has a piece on the continuing importance of nuclear non-proliferation work. It's strange how non-proliferation issues are always acknowledged to be an underreported and yet crucial, but they seem somehow to remain rarely discussed in the media.

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Happy February 23rd!

This blog (even when it was inactive) has always received a lot of visitors looking for information on this mysterious Feb. 23 Russian holiday. As usual, Wikipedia has what you need.

Greeting card source davno.ru also has a brief history of the holiday (in Russian), as well as these classic cards from the archives. More are available here (they have an English interface here, but it has fewer cards - I guess it's true that you get more out of Russia if you learn the language).

The first card, from 1988, commemorates the Soviet Army's 70th birthday (that's what Feb. 23 marks), with a poem:

You
are stronger and firmer
year to year,
Army
of the Soviet People!

Perhaps the worst possible year in which to be making such a claim, but otherwise a nice valentine to the armed forces.


Davno.ru seems to have repurposed this military poster as a greeting card - the heading says, "Take care of your military equipment, and it won't let you down in battle." If only military equipment were as easily repurposed into civilian kitsch as military posters.


A couple more classics from davno.ru's collection:


"The borders of the Soviet Union are sacred and inviolable!"


"Together we are invincible."

To quote Lou Reed, "yes, those were different times."

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More on Medvedev - plus a bonus from the vault!

A Moscow-based friend sent this YouTube find around, with the subject line "Medvedev: clearly not presidential material." You be the judge:



The clip, which I guess must be of pre-Orange-Revolution vintage, shows a ceremonial occasion of some sort with Ukrainian and Russian leaders. Yanukovych kindly offers sunflower seeds to Medvedev, who takes him up on the offer, and then to Putin, who does not.

And, since this is our first foray into the wonderful world of YouTube posting, here's a bonus clip of Putin making his ill-advised circumcision crack a few years ago:

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

"Who Lost Russia?" - a trip down memory lane

Steven Lee Myers has a feature-length piece (link probably will not work) in this Sunday's New York Times Magazine about the campaign-like activities of the two main candidates to succeed VVP, called, appropriately enough, Post-Putin. A friend of mine who has Times Select emailed me the article, and I've had the chance to read it. It's thoroughly reported - from the quasi-hustings with Dima and Seryoga - and although the overall picture of "operation successor" is not too positive, there is this nugget:

Putin’s greatest legacy would be a smooth succession of power, still a rare occurrence in a country with the violent, authoritarian past that Russia has. History might ultimately judge him as Russia’s George Washington, the man who did not let the possibility of retaining personal power overrule a young country’s laws and democratic principles.
All of this thinking about Russia and the NYT magazine reminded me, I thought, of a time many years ago, when I was a foolish and naive grad student [Ed.: sort of like now? LA: shhh!] and the "Who Lost Russia?" debate was raging in the aftermath of the financial crisis of August 1998. For some reason, I had emblazoned in my memory an image of a NYT Mag cover with the headline, "Who Lost Russia?" However, I searched the NYT archives for the phrase, and didn't find anything that matched up exactly (but the second sentence here tells me I have a better memory than the NYT website).

The phrase headlined this book review by Robert Kaplan from October of 2000, which looked at a couple of the books that came out around the time the "WLR" debate was taking place, but I don't think that's what I was remembering - my memory could be mixing up the NYT pull-out Book Review section with the Magazine, but the date isn't right. There was also a piece in the NYT Mag in August 1999 titled "The Russian Devolution," which the NYT website summarizes as follows:
Article by John Lloyd on decline of Russia in years following collapse of Communism; cites host of reasons cited by West as to cause of decline, noting that it is becoming one of most charged foreign-policy debates in the United States; says in Russia, charge is that New Russian reformers, abetted by the West, have destroyed country's economy while enriching themselves; traces West's involvement in Russian reform; says Russia has suffered from West's mistakes and preconceptions but ultimately will make its own accommodations; says Russia was never ours to lose and that Russia lost the trust in itself that makes societies civil and functioning
Although that easily qualifies for densest paragraph sentence I've seen all week - shoehorning a decade of failed policies into less than 10 lines - for insightfulness in retrospect, it's got nothing on the correction that appears underneath it on the page containing the article's archived link:
Correction: August 15, 1999, Sunday The article beginning on page 34 of The Times Magazine today, about Russia's troubles since the end of Communist rule, contains outdated references to Prime Minister Sergei V. Stepashin in some copies. On Monday, after the printing of the magazine had begun, President Boris N. Yeltsin replaced Mr. Stephasin with Vladimir V. Putin.
History in the making.

Unsatisfied with the results of my NYT archive search, I expanded my horizon to Google, found a NY Review of Books article from April 2000 headlined "Who Lost Russia?" by George Soros, and thought for a moment that this may have been the cover piece that stuck in my memory.

More interesting were some of the other results that came up. Who would have guessed that it was (apparently) Pat Buchanan who first used the phrase in a headline for a column in February of 1998? Buchanan seemed to have a crystal ball set for six-month and nine-year windows, or maybe it's just that the more things change in US-Russian relations, the more they stay the same:
Today, Yeltsin blusters that U.S. strikes on Iraq could ignite a "world war," as Moscow's defense minister berates William Cohen. Russia ships missile technology to Tehran, sides with Saddam in the Persian Gulf, and establishes a "strategic partnership" with China.

The rise of anti-Americanism in Russia is a strategic disaster that may yet lead to an open breach, financial collapse and Yeltsin's replacement by an anti-Western nationalist. For this state of affairs, however, Russians alone are not culpable. Much of the blame rests with a haughty U.S. foreign-policy elite that has done its level best to rub Russia's nose in its Cold War defeat -- as it thumped its chest and trumpeted America's claim to be the "world's only superpower." [...]

Given the present balance of power, Russia can only seethe and plot with our enemies behind our back, as we hand out NATO membership cards to nations lately in her sphere of influence or even part of her empire. But the present balance will not forever endure. [...]

Americans might ask themselves: Why at the peak of our global pre-eminence do we seem so universally resented? Is it perhaps because the Old Republic is behaving like an arrogant empire?

Buchanan liked the headline so much that he used it again, for a May 2003 item blasting the finger-wagging style of "those twin protectors and proctors of global democracy, Joe Lieberman and John McCain."

A Salon.com headline asked the WLR question on Sept. 1, 1998, and the eXile - still in its heyday - first wrote in its press review about "a thing people are calling the 'Who Lost Russia?' piece," listing the key elements of such an article, and then answered the question in a typically absurd but funny way. Although the phrase stuck around for years, by the fall of 1999, James Baker was already giving a talk at the Kennan Institute on "Moving Past 'Who Lost Russia?'" But of course those directly involved in the events of the early-to-mid-'90's could perhaps be expected to want to avoid too much debate on the subject.

The phrase did have legs, though - Joseph Stiglitz used it for the title of a chapter of his 2002 book, Globalization and its Discontents. And the debate may have at least one lasting lesson. In 1999, Michael McFaul wrote that "The 'who lost Russia' debate reveals more about US electoral politics than it does about Russian realities." This may be something to keep in mind as 2007 already begins to seem like 2008, although perhaps the American electorate at large is even less concerned with Russia now than it was 10 years ago.

Back in the late '90's, the debate knew no ideological boundaries: a headline in Socialism Today posed the question yet again in October 1998; and the Heritage Foundation held a lecture hoping to answer the question in early 1999, featuring, predictably, James Woolsey, Cap Weinberger, and of course Ariel Cohen. AEI's Leon Aron took up the question in a 1999 article in the Weekly Standard (somewhat incongruously reprinted on the website of PBS program Frontline), the first paragraph of which mentions the elusive 1998 NYT Mag cover story that started me on this trip down memory lane.

Now that the trip has come full circle, and my desire to discuss an overused phrase has run its course, I'd like to return to Myers's article, which made me think back to 1998 in a different way, at least when I read this portion:
Ivanov has never expressed the desire to be president — neither in public nor, as far as anyone who knows will tell, in private. Neither has Dmitri A. Medvedev, the other first deputy prime minister and the other presumed-to-be-leading candidate. Nor have Valentina I. Matviyenko, the energetic governor of St. Petersburg; Vladimir I. Yakunin, another former K.G.B. agent who heads the state-owned Russian Railways; Sergei S. Sobyanin, a former governor and the president’s chief of staff; Dmitri N. Kozak, the presidential envoy to the turbulent Caucasus; Boris V. Gryzlov, the speaker of the lower house of Parliament; Sergei M. Mironov, the chairman of the upper house; or Sergei V. Chemizov, director of the state arms-marketing monopoly who served as an intelligence officer with Putin in East Germany.

All have been mentioned as possible successors to Putin, not because they have said anything or even distinguished themselves in any particular way but because they are close to Putin.
What made me think back was the utter flatness of all the candidates mentioned here. Medvedev and Ivanov get enough air time for everyone to see they are bland. Mironov, Gryzlov and Matviyenko, who are kept in the running only in case Putin decides he really wants to control things from behind-the-scenes after 2008, are total hacks. Yakunin and Sobyanin don't seem to have the necessary name recognition, although the same could have been said of Putin in 1999, and the 2008 "election" is still a long way off - anyway, I don't know much about either of them, much less about Rosoboroneksport's Chemezov, although I feel OK about the latter since even the NYT appears to have misspelled his name (old-school source FBIS has some outdated dope, though).

Kozak is an interesting candidate, and may be the dark-horse with the best chance if one of the front-runners stumbles, but I'll forever associate him with the unsuccessful Russian bid to settle the Transnistria conflict in a way that would have allowed the Russians to influence Moldovan policy in perpetuity. The deal, almost but not quite signed, was immortalized in a document known as the Kozak Memorandum, since he was managing the Russian side of the negotiations. All of which may actually be a plus for Kozak's standing the Russian voter, if that even really matters.

Anyway, my point was about the past, not the future. Remember the Russian political scene in 1998-1999? Well, I do. It turned out that we were all fooling ourselves, but a lot of Russia-watchers seemed to think that people like Boris Nemtsov, Yuri Luzhkov, and Aleksandr Lebed' had a chance to reach the Kremlin, and the development of political parties was studied in the West with genuine interest and a sincere belief that it was happening. The internet was a new source of material, the website compromat.ru had just come online, and in general I recall a feeling of wide-open-ness, though perhaps that was my youthful naivete.

Regardless of what might have happened to Russia if any of those three (or the others who were in the mix at the time) had become President, the sense was that there was a possibility for an electoral contest. Although there are a number of oversimplifications in this sentence, in the end, Yeltsin, because of his move naming Putin acting president just months before the 2000 election, may be remembered as both the midwife of Russian democracy and its executioner.

I was reminded of this seemingly long-lost era - the late '90's - not only by my "Who Lost Russia?" reverie; a few days ago, a book arrived that I had ordered from Amazon: a 1998 biography of General Lebed' by sometime British politician Harold Elletson (which I ordered in fact just to add to my collection of Lebed'-abilia, but ostensibly for a paper I'm working on about Transnistria, the place that made Lebed' a household name and that first gave him an international stage for his quotable antics).

As such books often do, this one has a section of photographs in the middle. The last page of photos has one of a grinning Lebed' with his wife, and below it one photo each of Nemtsov and Luzhkov, captioned "Possible rivals in the next race for the presidency. The enthusiastic free-marketeer Boris Nemtsov...and Yuri Luzhkov, whose dynamic management style has transformed Moscow." Lebed', sadly, was dead and buried years ago - can the same now be said of democracy in Russia?

Perhaps I just miss the carnival aspect of the Russian political scene of the late Yeltsin era; after all, it's nearly impossible to argue that the average Russian is not better off today than he was seven or eight years ago. But it does seem a shame that we're back to clocking air time on the news on state-run TV to get an idea of who will be the next leader of Russia.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Reshuffle: A Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Trilogy (the full story)

I've translated the three most recent posts on Vladimir.Vladimirovich.ru, all of which deal with last week's promotions of Sergei Ivanov and Ramzan Kadyrov. Scroll down or use the links in this post to access these tales of Kremlin hijinks:

Part one, wherein impatience with a satirist leads to a rash decision.

Part two, wherein the new Defense Minister's background as a furniture salesman and as Tax Minister is explored.

Part three
, wherein Vladimir Vladimirovich™ begins to understand what he has wrought.


Obviously, these stories are all fictional, and I've already volunteered to take them down if it turns out that their original author, Maxim Kononenko, doesn't like the translations.


click to expand

To break up the monotony of screen after screen of text, here's a comic strip from the old Akimych and Vladimir Vladimirovich series, which I blogged about long ago. The two-year-old link there no longer works, but if you go here and are patient with slow downloads, you can access a couple of archives of these old comics.

And if you really liked the translations above, I did one more item from Vladimir.Vladimirovich.ru last week.

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Reshuffle: A Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Trilogy (part 3)

This is the final installment in this trilogy of translations. The original Russian of this episode, dated February 16, is available here. Parts one and two of the trilogy appeared earlier in this space, and I'm going to do one final post linking to all three of them in a minute. Without further ado, here is part three, wherein Vladimir Vladimirovich™ begins to understand what he has wrought:

Once upon a time, Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office and watching a direct broadcast from the offices of the Russian Government Building on his presidential television.

One of the channels showed Prime Minister Mikhail Efimovich Fradkov. Mikhail Efimovich was sitting at his desk. In front of Mikhail Efimovich was a box of Kinder-Surprise chocolate eggs. Mikhail Efimovich took an egg from the box, removed the foil wrapper, broke the egg in two and took out the plastic container with a toy inside. Then Mikhail Efimovich ate the chocolate, opened the container, and, laughing merrily, put together the toy. Having assembled the toy, Mikhail Efimovich took another egg from the box.

Another channel was showing Finance Minister Aleksei Leonidovich Kudrin. Aleksei Leonidovich was sitting on the floor in the center of his office. Before Aleksei Leonidovich was was an open chest, filled to the brim with gold coins and precious stones. Aleksei Leonidovich was moving his outstretched hands slowly over the top of the chest and whispering something inaudibly.

A third channel was showing the Minister of Civil Defense Affairs, Emergency Situations, and Natural Disasters, Sergei Kuzhugetovich Shoigu. Sergei Kuzhugetovich, with the help of a large red fire extinguisher, was putting out a big fire he had set in the middle of his office.

Vladimir Vladimirovich™ clicked the remote, and the next channel appeared on the screen. In one of the offices, First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Borisovich Ivanov and Acting President of the Chechen Republic Ramzan Akhmadovich Kadyrov were sitting at a table. On the table were a plate of blini; a perspiring decanter of vodka and a shot glass; a platinum saucer with black caviar; a large wooden board containing an underground-baked leg of mutton; a sheepskin container full of something or other; and a large curved horn with a silver rim.

Vladimir Vladimirovich™ turned up the volume.

"Well, bro," said Ramzan Akhmadovich, filling up the horn from the sheepskin and standing up from the table, "Here's to our new appointments!"

Sergei Borisovich poured himself a shot of vodka and also stood up from the table.

"We deserve it," said Sergei Borisovich, downing the shot quickly.

Ramzan Akhmadovich drank the contents of the horn to the last drop.

"But Muslims don't drink," said Sergei Borisovich, pointing at the horn.

"This is Chechen oil," said Ramzan Akhmadovich. "Pure as a teardrop. This is what gives Chechens the strength to resist. You want to try some?"

"Not really..." muttered Sergei Borisovich, taking a bite of blini with caviar. "I'm a traditionalist."

"You know," said Ramzan Akhmadovich, slicing off a large hunk of the mutton leg with his Chechen sword, "I've actually decided to change my name. From now on, I'm going to be known as Shamil."

Sergei Borisovich choked on his blini.

"Shamil?!" he exclaimed in horror. "Are you nuts? I knew I was right - we never should have made you president. There's gonna be another war."

"Silly man," answered Ramzan Akhmadovich, smiling condescendingly. "The name Shamil doesn't belong to that jackal Basaev. I'm going to change my name in honor of Imam Shamil, who was the first to make peace between the Chechens and Russia!"

"So you'll be Shamil the Second," answered Sergei Borisovich, pouring himself some more vodka.

"There can be only one Shamil'," said Ramzan Akhmadovich, filling the horn with oil from the sheepskin. "But he can live on in different people."

"I'll change my name, too, then," said Sergei Borisovich, and quickly took a drink.

"To Vladimir Vladimirovich™?" asked Ramzan Akhmadovich.

"What does Vladimir Vladimirovich™ have to do with anything?" Sergei Borisovich waved his hand dismissively. "To Peter."

Ramzan Akhmadovich choked.

"Peter?!" asked Ramzan Akhmadovich in surprise. "Why?!"
"First of all," answered Sergei Borisovich, "Peter was a great Russian tsar. And second, President Peter Ivanov sounds really nice."

"Peter the Fourth," said Ramzan Akhmadovich. "It doesn't bum you out to be fourth?"

"Ivan the Terrible [Grozny] was a Fourth," answered Sergei Borisovich, "which means I can be President Peter the Terrible [Grozny]. Eh?"

"Grozny," said Ramzan Akhmadovich sternly, "is a city in the Chechen Republic. Are you saying you're a Chechen?"

"And actually," continued Sergei Borisovich, as though not even hearing Ramzan Akhmadovich's words, "what do tsars have to do with anything? Tsars don't count. So I'll be the first. Peter the First. You like the sound of that?"

"I knew I was right," muttered Ramzan Akhmadovich, filling the horn from the sheepskin. "They shouldn't have made you First Deputy Prime Minister. Here we go again with the imperial ambitions..."

Sergei Borisovich silently poured himself a shot.

Vladimir Vladimirovich™ watched his presidential television with his eyes wide open.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

Unoriginality

Russian Kafe ("Something Interesting About Russia") has a great post with some photos of Soviet soda-water dispensers. So I decided to scour my archives for the best examples of these dinosaur-machines, and found surprising diversity.


The most presentable gazirovannaya voda machine I've ever seen. Disposable cups; bilingual signage (the Russian tag line, "не дай себе засохнуть" - "don't let yourself dry up" - is taken directly from a Sprite ad campaign in Russia); a friendly bunny rabbit - this one has it all.
Chisinau, Moldova, August 1, 2005.


A ramshackle bank of machines, still apparently in use.
Tiraspol, Transnistria, Moldova. Aug. 7, 2006, shortly before 5pm.



A bank of brightly repainted machines serves as a gathering point for some of Chisinau's down-and-out.
August 7, 2006, shortly before noon.



Bukhara, Uzbekistan, July 22, 2005. Smartly redone in pastel shades, this machine offers different prices for water with flavored syrup and without. The sign on the building in the upper right-hand corner offers an amazing array of services: umbrella repair, artistic engraving, and license-plate painting.

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Reshuffle: A Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Trilogy (part 2)

Part 2, wherein the new Defense Minister's background as a furniture salesman and as Tax Minister is explored. Original Russian version is here - my translation follows:

Once upon a time Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office and impatiently waiting for new stories to appear on his favorite website, vladimir.vladimirovich.ru.

All of a sudden the tall doors of his presidential office swung open, and a wide-faced man wearing an expensive suit entered cautiously.

"Hey, bro," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked, "who are you?"

"I'm Serdiukov," answered the man, "Anatoly Eduardovich. The new Minister of Defense."

"Really?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ marveled. "But where's Ivanov?"

"Not for me to know," answered the man, "but you appointed me yourself."

"I just don't get it..." muttered Vladimir Vladimirovich™ in confusion. "Well, come on in, I guess. Have a seat. What's your..."

"Anatoly Eduardovich," the minister prompted.

"Anatoly," nodded Vladimir Vladimirovich™, "Eduardovich. Sit down, sit down. Tell me what your plans are for the army."

The Minister of Defense sat down in the chair in front of Vladimir Vladimirovich™'s desk and placed an expensive leather portfolio on his knees.

"I have a plan," said Anatoly Eduardovich. "A two-step plan."
"Two steps?" asked Vladimir Vladimirovich™, somewhat disappointed. "Why so few?"

"It's not many steps," the Minister of Defense agreed, "but they're very good ones. Take the first one, for example."
"Go on," nodded Vladimir Vladimirovich™.

"I propose we introduce a tax on compulsory military service," said the minister.
"I don't get it..." said Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "Military service is the duty of every citizen. How can we tax someone's duty?"

"It's an honorable duty!" Anatoly Eduardovich grinned. "And honor is something that should be taxed."

"Well, all right..." muttered Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "And what's the second step?"
"I propose we begin re-equipping our military immediately," said the minister.

"Aha!" exclaimed Vladimir Vladimirovich™ and brightened up. "That's another thing entirely! I'm ready to sign off on the money right this minute. What are we going to re-equip first?"

"I was thinking we could start with the bedside tables," answered the minster.
"The what?!" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ was amazed.

"The bedside tables," repeated the minister. "And if that works out, then we can take a crack at the beds, too."

Vladimir Vladimirovich™ stared in amazement at his new minister of defense.
The minister of defense smiled back at Vladimir Vladimirovich™

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Sunday, February 18, 2007

The photos that might have been

In late June of 2004, we took a trip to visit a friend who was working in Irkutsk at the time. It was a whirlwind long weekend, involving a day trip to and a dip in Baikal on the hydrofoil, strolling in downtown Irkutsk, a night of karaoke at a tent bar named "Simba," and a dive or two into the Angara where it flows through the city. Lots of fun.

Sadly, this was before we had our own digital camera. We borrowed one from a friend, but all of the pictures we took with it are tourist-type pictures of us grinning delightedly at various points on the itinerary mentioned above. We took a disposable camera along, but it was tragically lost in the shuffle at Simba. The best photos lost with that camera would have been the ones taken from the hydrofoil.

We had arrived on the redeye from Moscow and got the first boat of the day, so the mist was still on the water. I did have the good fortune to snap one photo (this one) during the later part of the boat ride with my cell phone camera - no mist on the water, but in its place a mirror-like reflection of the sky. You can see the boat's wake in the lower right-hand corner.

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Reshuffle: A Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Trilogy (part 1)

I have to say that I find the Vladimir Vladimirovich sketches uproariously funny in the original Russian. I'm talking about so funny that you can't browse them in class for fear of laughing out loud and revealing to the professor that you're surfing the internet and not engrossed in his/her explication of the finer points of whatever. They used to be available in English, and even appeared in the Moscow Times for awhile a couple or few years ago, but no more. Quite possibly, laughing at them is already passé in trend-conscious Moscow, but if that's the case then I guess I can live with being behind the times.

They're funny because although they're cartoonish, it's not hard to imagine some of the dialogue actually taking place. And because many of them are littered with subtle and not-so-subtle references to political personalities and scandals past and present, which means that some of them can't be fully translated without resorting to footnotes. Anyway, I translated one a couple of days ago, and a couple of readers confirmed for me that the humor translated OK, so I figured I'll keep going. I did attempt to reach the author, but was unable to do so. Because I know people can be sensitive about having their work translated by strangers, I'll be glad to take these down if he doesn't like them, or to let him use them elsewhere (with a translation credit, of course!).

Anyway, as some of the less lightweight Russia bloggers have been discussing, there's been a momentous shuffling of bigwigs in Moscow. The genius behind Vladimir.vladimirovich.ru has his own take on these events, which unfolds in the format of a trilogy. Here is part one (original Russian, dated Feb. 16, is available here):

Once upon a time Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office and furiously hitting the "refresh" button on the internet browser on his presidential computer. The browser was open to vladimir.vladimirovich.ru. The most recent story was dated February second, 2007.

"Two weeks!" cried Vladimir Vladimirovich™ angrily, continuing to press the "refresh" button. "Two weeks and not a single new story! Now he's really being rude!"

Vladimir Vladimirovich™ quickly pressed the call button for his deputy chief of his administration, Vladislav Yur'evich Surkov.

"Hey, bro," said Vladimir Vladimirovich™ quickly. "What's up with that jackass of yours, has he no decency at all?"

"What's the deal?" wondered Vladislav Yur'evich.

"Two weeks and not a single new story!" exclaimed Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "You tell me, how am I supposed to run the country?!"

"It's just that..." muttered Vladislav Yur'evich, "He says he like, doesn't have anything to write about anymore. That everything in the country is, like, OK, and we even got some snow, finally. But this really is a disgrace, of course..."

"Oh he doesn't have anything to write about, eh?!" sputtered Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "And my speech in Munich?! Who does he think I made that speech in Munich for?!"

"Oh I understand," answered Vladislav Yur'evich, guiltily. "But after all, you can't force an artist... they're like children, after all...

"I'll show him children," growled Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "Children, are they?... Give me two names!"

"What?" Vladislav Yur'evich didn't get it.

"Name two people!" repeated Vladimir Vladimirovich™.

"We-e-ll," Vladislav Yur'evich took a moment to think. "Let's say...uh...Kadyrov. And Ivanov."

"So, Kadyrov and Ivanov," muttered Vladimir Vladimirovich™, suddenly grabbing a stack of the special paper used for writing presidential decrees. "He's got nothing to write about, has he?... Oh, I'll give him something to write about."

And Vladimir Vladimirovich™ took his presidential Parker out of his suitjacket pocket.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

Two-year-old snow pics

I am trying to clean out some of my old draft posts as I revive this blog. Turns out that lots of the things I saved to write about later have become less relevant after one or two years, or the links are stale, or the blogs I had found are no longer "the only blog" on this or that topic. But the photos don't grow stale, and as luck would have it the very oldest unposted draft I found contained these pictures from Feb. 14, 2005 - I promised to post them two years ago; here they are now. Click to expand.


5:17pm, Ploshchad' Tverskoi Zastavy (near the Belorussky train station)
Note the traffic jam.


5:28pm, abandoned refrigerator and pedestrian on one of the Brestskie streets
(1-aya or 2-aya, I can't recall which).



7:33pm, shoveling snow along Tverskaya.

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Vladimir Vladimirovich™

I decided to take a crack at translating something funny. Humor often gets lost in translation, but I think this one will be funny to English-speakers who are versed in the lexicon of post-Soviet politics and aware of recent environmental happenings in Russia. The original Russian version is here, so those of you who do know Russian can check my work. Apologies to Mr. Parker - I'm going to email him and will take the translation down if he doesn't like it.

Friday, Feb. 2, 2007

Once upon a time, Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office and waxing his Presidential skis.

All of a sudden, the tall doors of the Presidential office burst open, and in rushed the deputy chief of Vladimir Vladimirovich™'s administration, Vladislav Yur'evich Surkov.

"Hey, bro," said Vladislav Yur'evich, "Whaddaya doing there?"
"Waxing my skis," answered Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "I'm gonna go skiing. There's a lot of snow, it's real nice."

"Hold off on the skiing," said Vladislav Yur'evich. "We got something strange here."
"Whazzat?" asked Vladimir Vladimirovich™ with alarm.

"They had orange snow fall in the Tomsk, Tyumen and Omsk regions," said Vladislav Yur'evich quietly.
"Orange?!" shouted Vladimir Vladimirovich™ in horror.

"I think it's begun," nodded Vladislav Yur'evich.

"What are we going to do?" fretted Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "But you promised me there was no threat! That nothing orange would happen."

"We're doing our best," said Vladislav Yur'evich calmly. "Look, we kept those tangerines out of the country. But who could have known that it would come down in the snow...we're going to melt it."

"Melt it," said Vladimir Vladimirovich™ tensely. "Melt it ASAP!"

"We'll get it melted," said Vladislav Yur'evich confidently, and quickly left the room.

[Update] - Mr Parker's email address bounces, his LJ blog is "suspended," and the guest book on the vladimir.vladimirovich.ru site was closed almost two years ago, with the comment, "Homophobes, anti-Semites, revolutionaries and other lowlifes can tell their mothers everything they've been writing here." I'm trying one more email address, which I don't think will work. The only reason I'm doing this is because I know there used to be a regular English translation of this column, so maybe the author would rather not have translations published randomly. But since the last English-language translation on the website is dated last March, maybe I'm filling a void here.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy valentine's day, Moscow!

Tseluem, skuchaem.


August 13, 2005 - from the balcony of our second Moscow apartment, on
Leningradsky Prospekt near the Aeroport metro station (but not near the airport).



For a hilarious spoof valentine that's circling the Russian section of LiveJournal, check out Neeka's recent post.

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Picasa-Blogger breakdown

Trying to save time often backfires. I've used the Picasa "Blog This" feature on a couple of recent posts to upload photos, but noticed that the pics had disappeared from this recent post - where the photos were the whole point - after just a day or two of being up. I have reposted them using the same method, hoping it was a one-time glitch. But if it wasn't, I guess I'll have to go back to the manual Blogger upload, or perhaps think seriously about transferring to another host.

[Update]

The photos disappeared again, so I just uploaded them using Blogger instead. The integration between provinces of the Google empire is not all it's cracked up to be.

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Everyone needs an attack dog

There's an interview in the most recent Bol'shoi Gorod with Alexander Khinshtein, whose checkered past I've looked at before. It's titled "Doberman of the Rulers," if I'm getting my translation of the archaic construction right.

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April 21, 2005 - the entrance to the Mayakovskaya Metro
station that was closed all last summer was still open then.

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Desktop Relic

The Russian text of this article sat on my desktop - in a Word file, of course - for nearly a year and a half. It accompanied me through most of Civil Procedure and my other 1L fall classes, then through Property and the like in the spring, through a blissful summer back in Moscow, and through last fall's marathon of interviews and too many courses - sitting there on my desktop all the while, the file name ("idiot box.doc") reminding me of things other than law school.

I've finally translated it, and some of its points - on the impoverishment of Russian TV under Putin and on the existence of (at least) "two Moscows" - still seem pretty relevant. And some of the "scandals" discussed in the piece should provide Russia-watchers with a chance to take a brief walk down memory lane, back to the summer-fall of 2005. I thought about footnoting some of them, but decided that linking would be enough.

All in all, I don't regret spending a couple of hours translating this, although I probably had better things to do and certainly had other things I should have been doing. Of course, I can't say I agree with all of the author's conclusions, and maybe not even with his main point. After all, I'm not one to criticize people for sitting in front of their computers - or their TV's - from dawn to dusk (or vice versa). Glass houses and all that.

The Idiots’ Box” - Yurii Saprykin, Bol’shoi Gorod, 26 September 2005

In the city of Moscow, at least among the more active and employable portion of the population, watching television is just not something one does. Truth be told, ever since they shut down “Namedni,” it's really become a pointless activity. Among friends, when the subject of TV comes up, there will always be some eccentric who either doesn’t have a television at all or has one but hasn’t turned it on for five years. It’s considered especially chic to say, “Who’s that?” when someone like Andrei Malakhov is mentioned. Once I was relating to some colleagues a funny episode from the old show “Field of Wonders” (“Поле чудес”), and they looked at me like I had just turned into a crocodile.

There is, of course, another Moscow, where people drop quotations from TV ads into conversations; run home from work to catch the TV show “Clone”; and talk on the phone about Petrosyan’s latest jokes (actually, I wonder - does he have any new jokes?). One time I happened to be in an old Moscow communal apartment. I wasn’t surprised by the way of life there and by the smell in the kitchen – the one thing that really shocked me was that at ten o’clock on a Sunday morning, people were watching TV in all four rooms.

The Moscow that lives without TV looks upon the TV-watching Moscow not so much with condescension as with pity. And this is understandable – after all, these people are depriving themselves of a full-fledged life. Their entire perception of reality consists of Mikhail Leont’iev’s commentaries, topics covered on the “Domino Principle” talk show, and various “New Russian Grannies” (“Novye Russkie Babki”). Overall, television has replaced nature for them. “Poor, poor, people!” thinks the Moscow that has rid itself of television. And then it goes to check its friend-list.

Nowadays, any office in Moscow, from the editorial offices of the magazine “Among Us Girls” to the Presidential Administration, differs little from that ill-fated communal apartment. People who are nauseated by “House-2” drop everything to watch other people shave their legs, get loaded or try on new things. People who despise the showAnshlag! Anshlag!” don’t miss a chance to showcase their wit by writing comments like “f***ing first” («первый нах») or “author, rite mor” («афтар, пеши исчо»). And this was worth turning off the television for?

LiveJournal (
ZheZhe) and totalitarian TV appear outwardly to be direct opposites, but the ways they work are surprisingly similar. The thrill of watching someone else’s life; the pleasure of being in the middle of an uninterrupted information flow; the joy of "meeting" one’s favorite performers, be they Verka Serdiuchka or Mister Parker – these primal instincts can be exploited with equal effectiveness in both information spaces. ZheZhe plugs its heroes just as much as TV does, and already a huge number of people are starting to believe that there’s an important writer named Gorchev, or a successful band called Pled, or an awesome musical festival called Current Music. And whatever isn’t in ZheZhe doesn’t exist in real life either.

When someone suggested to journalist Valery Panyushkin that he start a ZheZhe blog, he supposedly replied, "Nabokov wrote that babblers are divided into paid ones and unpaid ones, and I think I’d rather be a paid one.” With all due respect, such a position in this day and age is hopeless atavism, something along the lines of a duelers’ code of honor. There are things more important than one’s Citibank payroll card, and the unpaid babblers know this quite well. When your every sneeze is answered by hundreds of people writing “bless you!” – you know, that really raises one’s self-esteem; just like how TV professionals love to talk about how mailbags full of letters arrive at their offices.

In spite of its apparent democratic spirit, ZheZhe is more and more structured along the lines of TV: there are the ratings leaders, hooked on the feeling of their own importance, and an amorphous mass following their every move. The leaders set the key items on the news agenda (see the Ivannikova case, the story about the NBP members getting beaten up, or the one about Minkin and Latynina getting pelted with tomatoes), and the masses approve (or disapprove) with a discordant rumble. And as for the idiocies of the rating leaders, well even the Malakhovs and the Solov’yovs of the world couldn’t dream of them. Just consider the (already paradigmatic) phrase about how “the mothers of Beslan should just have more children.”

Having rid itself of one media drug, the active and employable Moscow immediately got hooked on another. And now everything we hated about television is seeping into ZheZhe: people are starting to dump compromising information (компромат) there and circulate rumors as provocations, campaigns collectively hounding this or that person seem to arise as if on their own (again, see the Ivannikova case or the discussion of the abovementioned Panyushkin’s article about the “logic of a rabid dog”) – the only thing missing – for now – is the commercials. Moreover, there are already several movies in production which will have marketing campaigns built on ZheZhe penetration, and that’s just the beginning. I may be exaggerating a bit: ZheZhe hardly resembles the alchemical basements of Ostankino [trans.: site of the Channel 1 studios], which Zavtra used to love writing about; ZheZhe has plenty of outstanding writers and plain old smart people. Although if you watch the Kul’tura channel, they put Lotman on, too.

But the clinical fact remains: thousands of people sit from morning to night as though glued to their screens, swallowing up some endless ZheZhe soup (“лытдыбр”). What a tragic fate – whatever media you give them, it all turns into television anyway.

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Monday, February 12, 2007

With VVP in Volgograd

Thanks to one of our very good friends in Moscow, who's a Volgograd native, we had the chance to spend a long weekend in the city formerly known as Stalingrad last July. We saw a lot of interesting things there - the museum chronicling the Battle of Stalingrad, the Rodina-Mat' statue, and of course the Volga itself (other views of Volgograd - not ours).

We also saw President Putin in some unexpected places. All photos from July 8, 2006.


Vitrine in the Stalingrad Battle Museum gift shop (with the vozhd' himself).
We are the happy owners of the ceramic magnet in the lower right-hand corner.


Watching over a used bookstore, which - as I found after waiting for the
shopkeeper to return from lunch - had a rather disappointing selection.


In a "Volgogradskii Suvenir" kiosk, with toothpicks,
henna for
hair-dying purposes, and other essentials.

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Summer pictures

As DC lurches into "Winter Storm Warning" mode - for a forecast of a couple of inches of snow and freezing rain - and Moscow seems to be experiencing snow, according to the weather report on Google, it seems appropriate to contemplate summer fun in the sun on the Black Sea Coast:

Sochi in 1988

Abkhazia in 2005

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Hmmm....

Thought-provoking article from an original point of view? Or evidence that Ames has sold out to the powers-that-be?

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Технический перерыв-2

I have resorted to quoting myself now that I've been off the air for over six months, just to put up some kind of explanation. The text below is from the original entry linked to in the last sentence. Of course the reasons are different from the ones outlined in that post. Now, it's law school and the joys of family life that leave me little time for blogging. I keep thinking I'll start posting again, but when so much time has passed, it's hard to know even where to begin. So the перерыв continues.

Among the Multitran.ru on-line Russian-English dictionary search results for "технический перерыв" ("tekhnicheskii pereryv"):

Деловая лексика (business lexicon):
перерыв по техническим причинам - interruption for technical reasons

Техника (equipment):
перерыв по техническим причинам - maintenance outage

Телекоммуникации (telecommunications):
перерыв по техническим причинам - out-of-service

Some people talk about their blogs "going on hiatus," or "taking a break," or use other phrases to describe what happens when they don't have time to update as much as they would like. I prefer the all-encompassing Russian phrase "tekhnicheskii pereryv." Literally, it translates variously as the phrases listed above. In addition, I actually found - at a website called for office workers called klerk.ru - a lively online forum discussion of the legal meaning of this concept, which is worth checking out for laughs if you know Russian.

In practice, though, as anyone who's ever needed to (just for example) urgently change money in a one-exchange-booth town knows, it's a phenomenon that can occur at any time, although generally at an inconvenient time, and for just about any reason. One cashier and she has to take a bathroom break? "Tekhnicheskii pereryv." The paper receipt roll in the cash register ran out? "Tekhnicheskii pereryv." Smoke break? "Tekhnicheskii pereryv." You get the point.

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